What is Grief Counseling

Grief counseling can help anyone who is going through a major loss, but for some, it is essential to get help to safely navigate the pain and loss. If the pain is overwhelmingly intense, lasts for over a year, or is affecting the way one functions in daily life, grief counseling is one of the best ways to deal with the loss and find your way forward. Grief may manifest itself through deep sadness, but people are surprised that they may look and feel other things not always associated with grief such as anger, bitterness, detached, confused, relief, guilt or numb. Learning that what you are experiencing is normal can be a relief in itself. Grief will also have a different timeline for each person, I want everyone to understand you don’t have a timeline. Having a non-judgmental person allow you to say whatever you need to say, feel whatever you need to feel and survive however you need to survive is a must.

Grief counseling can also help build you with tools to survive in healthy ways by exploring and building self-care tools, building your support system and releasing pain by saying it out loud in a safe environment. Some people will find themselves medicating the pain which may make them feel better for a time but eventually the grieving process needs to occur to truly heal. Remember, Grieving = Healing.

I have heard people say you will carry grief for the rest of your life, while I believe a piece of this may be true, I also believe a piece of healing is making you strong enough to carry that burden.

Sometimes the grief is more about adjusting to a new way of life and other times it is safely experiencing the excruciating pain. The person who is grieving is the only one who knows what is going on inside of them, sitting with someone’s grief and allowing them to process freely is a privilege and honor.

Crying is also an integral part of healing. It is the body’s natural way of healing. While many get stuck “in crying” there are others who struggle to allow themselves to cry which can ultimately block the healing process. Crying, water falling from the eyes will actually release hormones in the brain that are natural painkillers/stress relievers. It is quite amazing that our bodies are built to heal themselves and reduce the pain.

I will often have clients or parents of children report they believe they are okay because they are not crying, or they believe their child is okay because they are not crying but they will share other concerns that looks like depression manifesting in other ways. I often teach parents or clients to look for things they or their child is doing now that they weren’t doing before, and that is extreme. For example, a 15 year old boy is making average grades, B’s and C’s and suddenly he is making D’s and F’s. Does it answer these two questions?

1. Is he doing anything now that he was not doing before? Yes (grades have changed)
2. Is the change extreme? Yes (now failing)

Now let’s look at the same boy, he was making average grades and now he is making straight A’s. Do we still recognize that this could be a sign of depression? Does it answer the two questions?

1. Is he doing anything now that he was not doing before? Yes (grades have changed)
2. Is the change extreme? Yes (all A’s is extreme for a child who did not make these grades before)

Do we still recognize this child may be depressed? Not always. It is important to note that the change in behavior may be a positive change, that doesn’t nullify that the child or client may be depressed. The question to ask yourself is: Am I doing anything now that I wasn’t doing before, and is it extreme? And if you struggle taking a realistic look at yourself, ask someone close to you. Not that person who always tells you what you want to hear, but that person who speaks truth to you, and tell them it is okay to speak truth to you.

We know that suicidal risks increase after the loss of a person, a job, a marriage, a pet etc. We also know that the loss of a person by suicide will increase depression in others. This subject that people avoid is one we must speak truth about. The best way to prevent suicide is by allowing people to talk about it and being brave enough to speak about it ourselves. Most people tell someone, in some way that they are suicidal before they make an attempt.

According to CDC over a million adults report making a suicide attempt in the US and over 800 will die due to suicide every year. That is close to 2 million people attempting or committing suicide each year. If you are having suicidal thoughts, it is okay to tell someone and seek professional help. If you know someone who is suicidal, it is also imperative that we get them help.

I have worked with families experiencing divorce for many years. My partners and I at L.I.F.E. Unlimited have taught Divorcing Well-for the sake of the children since 1995. This is a 4 ½ hour class that addresses many facets of divorce, the grieving/emotional healing, co-parenting, what to expect from the court system, the stages of development and answers many more questions. We conduct our seminar once a month in Ada, OK. I often recommend parents attend the seminar before beginning their work. The seminar itself teaches a lot before we even start the healing process and gives us a head start. The seminar is $30 if you pay in advance and $40 at the door (much cheaper than my hourly rate) We get positive reviews monthly and love helping families in this way. If you are interested in the seminar, please contact: Calvin Prince @ the Pontotoc County Specialty Courts office, 580-332-9587 or Calvin@pcdcok.org You can also reach Calvin on his cell at 405-740-5671.

I do have prerequisites to see children from divorced families. I often find that parents are looking for a therapist to become involved in a court case or custody case and are not as interested in their child’s healing. While I’m not the therapist for that, I could possibly help you find a therapist willing to do that. If I do agree to see a child from divorced parents I require a session with each parent prior to meeting the child and require a different parent bring the child to treatment every other week. My work will always be “In the Best Interest of the Child”.

When adults come to me after a divorce, I will usually complete an assessment and give an honest opinion of whether I believe they need services or if they have what they need to heal on their own and just need to give it time. For some, all I can offer is help to get them through the grief a little faster. I understand that divorce is not devasting for everyone but for those who it is it can be difficult to navigate alone.